BROWN FELLOW MURDERED, WHITES GO FUCKING BALLISTIC

In lieu of the death of a man with brown skin and extensive facial hair, white Americans took to the streets in an orgy of thinly veiled stupidity. 

It marked a glorious day for both Corporate America and fascism as many of the jovial made the occasion a humourous one by sporting T-shirts emblazoned with blisteringly pithy slogans such as 'Happy NoSama Day” and 'Fish Food'.

Murder gets them rowdy.

'White Jesus' advocate Buck Labia, who owns both a truck and a baseball cap, was amongst thousands who lined the streets of Washington.

“I stuck a large 'Tango Down' bumper sticker to my Ford Ranchero and mindlessly drove around town whilst screaming racial epithets. It was for America.”

“This is a proud day for my people. Anyone who disagrees with me is a plague-ridden homosexual who hates their country and probably believes that Jesus bore a closer resemblance to an Arab than an Arian.”

This kind of patriotism has gone on to influence America's youngest generation, with many children now being encouraged to decoratively paint their faces with the blood of their enemies. 

 

 "Oh Jesus, why weren't we pro-abortion?" say the parents of this little prick. 

Dr Harold Reacharound, professor of Not Always Acting Like an Unholy Dickhead at Ohio State University, expressed his thoughts on the subject.

“Bin Laden's death is hugely symbolic. For many it symbolises closure, but for me it is mostly symbolic of how bullets fired from a gun at a person's head will often result in that person's head exploding.”

Meanwhile, left-wing radicals around the world have agreed that the most effective way of expressing their distaste towards the celebrations is to misattribute quotes to Martin Luther King, Jr. on their Facebook and Twitter accounts. 

“When two tribes go to war, a point is all that you can score.” - taken from King's debut album, Welcome to the Pleasuredome. 

Whilst many Americans have continued to celebrate throughout the week, others have expressed cynicism in regards to the rushed manner in which Bin Laden's corpse was disposed of.

“A long form death certificate or it didn't happen,” demanded Donald Trump.

SHOCK AMONGST EDL AS LIBYA AND PAKISTAN REVEALED TO BE DIFFERENT COUNTRIES

The English Defence League was in disarray last night after discovering that Libya and Pakistan are not actually the same place.

The revelation was ascertained by leader of the political party, Stephen Yaxley-Lennon, who goes under the pseudonym Tommy Robinson on the grounds that Yaxley-Lennon sounds; 

        

        a) very middle class, and 

        b) a little bit foreign.

Yaxley-Lennon/Robinson/Goebbles commented:

“I was at home, watching television with my family. There was these cheeky brown fellows on the news causing a great deal of havoc in a dusty little place called Benghazi. I said, 'Someone ought to kick those mischievous Pakis into touch'.”

“My good wife then proceeded to inform me that these were not Pakis, but rather 'Libyans'.”

 "Some of the Libyans were this tall." 

“At this point I was prompted to pick up what normal people refer to as a 'book'. As a result of reading said 'book', I learned that brown people exist as part of many different races, and that they are indigenous to several 'continents'.”

“Well, I felt like a right plum. The EDL has built itself on a foundation of belief that every non-white person is of the same race. It's a form of categorisation we affectionately refer to as the 'Paki Umbrella'. One of our members, Stanley Fuckbucket, who's got a B-Tech in graphic design, even made a diagram explaining it. And now I just find myself thinking, 'What was it all for?'”

 Literally seconds wasted.

This comes as yet another crippling blow to the organisation, after it was disclosed last month that the suffix 'stan' is the ancient Persian word for 'place of', rather than being a synonym for 'get the fack outta my country you fackin' slaaaag.'

And in 2009, the EDL lost almost a quarter of it's members following the news that the Sieg Heil salute had been adopted as a semi-ironic dance move by the gay community.

In a bid to come to terms with the news, Yaxley-Lennon has vowed to purge himself of all his silly, racist ideologies by taking a nice long bath containing generous lashings of Cillit Bang.

  “Proven to rehabilitate even the grimiest racist,” shouts Barry Scott. 

Meanwhile another seminal moron, known amongst peers as Nick Griffin, was quick to disparage the EDL's findings.

“Libya? Heh! I'll believe that the day blacks and women can vote!”

“Pardon me? Oh, fucking hell...”

 

YOKO TO AUCTION OFF 'LENNON FART CUSHION'

Yoko Ono plans to once again milk the weary Lennon cash cow by auctioning off a silk cushion that late husband John may or may not have accidentally farted on, it has been revealed.

Not yet recognised as a genuine breed of cow.

 

The cushion, who has declined to comment, is rumoured to have been sat on either once or never by the former Beatle some time in the late seventies.

Doubt over the legitimacy of what has been dubbed 'The Fart-Cushion' has risen, with Ono herself bringing it into question.

“Whilst I do seem to recall John farting on this cushion, it has to be said that I was on a copious amount of mind-altering drugs for pretty much that whole decade. So I could have just as easily been looking at something else. Like a stapler, or a yummy biscuit.”

Other Lennon artefacts to be auctioned include a sandwich he briefly considered eating and an oil painting by Ono that he once looked at, presumably before remarking “That's a bit shit, love. Even by your standards.”

May contain traces of faecal matter.

David Piles, a dairy farmer from rural Cornwall, took a break from copulating with family members to issue the following statement.

“The over-milking of a cow is a risky endeavour. Too much stimulation of the teat can cause discomfort to the cow as well as sub-par tasting milk.”

“Sorry, what's that? Oh, a metaphorical cow, you say? I do apologise. 'Ere, hang about, I think I can hear my sister calling.”

JUSTIN BEIBER CONDONES RAPE

In a recent interview with Rolling Stone magazine, douche-pop sensation Justin Bieber, 16, commented that “everything happens for a reason”, in reference to the predominantly frowned-upon act of rape.

This is not the first time the singer has caused controversy. In an interview last year with Fundamentalist Christian magazine Fossils Shmossils, Bieber was candid in his opposition of stem cell research, insisting that aborted foetuses should only be used in low budget puppet shows, and not as a potential treatment for Chron's or Parkinson's disease.

“It's all in the Bible,” claimed Bieber. “You just have to read between the lines, and kind of ignore some of the other stuff that's in there, too.” 

 

Psychologists have theorised that the lyrics “Baby, baby, baby, oooh!” may contain a deeper, more sinister meaning.

While backlash to his comments has been swift and prominent, Bieber has received some equivocal support from Dr Harold Glans.

“Speaking from a strictly technical standpoint, Bieber is correct. According to the theory of cause and effect, everything does happen for a specific reason. The reason for rape is, by and large, the existence of rapists.”

Asked if he supports Bieber's ideologies, Glans said:

“For me personally, it presents an interesting dichotomy. Primarily, I consider Justin Bieber to be a worthless turd. But on the other hand, I do quite like raping people. So it is nice to see a celebrity of such renowned fame lending their support.”

Bieber has expressed his intention to collaborate with other famous people who have been known to excuse unforgivable acts. His next record, a concept album tentatively titled Why The Gays Are Destined For Hell, is set to be produced by the Pope. 

Taking a break from protecting the paedophiles of the world, Dark Lord Benedict XVI now has his sights set on the music industry.

The Pope said he was excited to work with Bieber, and spoke of his relaxed attitude to the recording process.

“If Bieber or anyone else involved in the making of this album just so happens to molest any choir boys during production, well, that would be just fine with me.”

TV AS SHIT NOW AS IT'S EVER BEEN, INSIST EXECS.

Amidst complaints that television has become too highbrow, broadcasting executives remain rigid in their assertions that their schedules are as cock-droopingly banal as they've ever been.

Doug Perineum, a Daily Star reader from Leicester, claims to be one of thousands who are tuning out.

“If it hasn't got at least four pairs of tits per minute, or a bunch of upper-middle class hipster kids taking drugs and then inexplicably raping each other, I'm not interested.”

When asked who he believes is responsible for the supposed increase of high culture in the media, Mr Perineum responded:

“Immigrants, I would imagine.”

Despite the increasing number of people claiming to have lost interest, Chief Executive of Channel 4, David Abrahams, urges people to have faith.

“We know our audience. We understand that if you watch our channel then you must be either a coma victim, or some kind of root vegetable. Our programming schedule is specifically tailored to fit such an asinine demographic.”

When asked how the channel intended to recapture the public's waning interest, Abrahams was quick to respond.

“Our spring line up boasts an overwhelming smorgasbord of tedious eye-cancer. Our latest production, for example, tentatively titled 'Big Fat Racist Weddings', features young black women getting unwittingly hitched to Klan members. We're also developing a new game show in which contestants have to identify their Grandmother's vagina from a line-up.”

 Channel 4's audience is composed chiefly of under-nourished potatoes.

The BBC are looking at a rather different strategy, according to Director-General Mark Thompson.

“Rather than waste time developing new concepts, we have decided to instead 'dumb down' our existing programmes. QI, for instance, has received an overwhelming number of complaints from viewers who consider Stephen Fry's intelligence and eloquence to be alienating and confusing. Therefore, starting with the new series, the quiz will instead be hosted by a dead manatee.”

 Rufus the dead manatee is expected to hold the position until decomposition sets in, at which point he will be made into a delicious soup. 

The decision has also been made to replace regular panellist Alan Davies with a small bag of lentils. Guests set to appear on the new series include Jim Davidson's left testicle, a Muller's Crunch Corner yoghurt, and Dean Gaffney.

ITV, however, have refused to acknowledge the complaints. A spokesperson said:

“Claims that we are not showing shit are unfathomable. For fuck's sake, we've got Piers fucking Morgan judging a bloody talent contest. This is a man whose only discernible talent is his ability to fill an Olympic sized swimming pool with sweat from his infeasibly fat, ugly face. He really has no business being on television.”

“Or in being alive, for that matter.”

ROY 'CHUBBY' BROWN REPLACES SARCASM AS LOWEST FORM OF WIT

Out of touch 'comedian' Roy 'Chubby' Brown (real name Royston Vasey) has replaced sarcasm as the lowest form of wit, it has been revealed.

Sarcasm has held the position of lowest form of wit for as long as anyone can remember, but is being superseded by Brown in light of the incontrovertible fact that sarcasm is hilarious.

Matthew Bradford, head of the Department of Ranking of Humour, explains why Brown was the obvious candidate for the job.

“Our decision to replace sarcasm with Roy 'Chubby' Brown arose after the discovery that being a racist, sexist, homophobic Neanderthal doesn't actually make you funny. It just serves as evidence as to why you should go and shoot yourself in the face.”

Bradford went on to express his personal distaste for Brown.

“He is a fundamentally unfunny man. The only time he ever made me laugh was when he got cancer. I thought it was a promising new spin on his career, and that he could have successfully capitalised on it by fucking off and dying painfully. Which the bastard didn't do.” 

Brown often enlists the help of fellow bigoted fuckwits The Royal Family to assist him in scripting jokes

 

Now that it is no longer recognised as the lowest form of wit, Bradford believes that sarcasm will go from strength to strength.

“I only hope that sarcasm can go on to be recognised as an integral and credible from of humour, along with 'your mum' jokes, loud flatulence, and anything uttered by Stephen Fry, ever.”

Brown has yet to comment on his new position, most likely due to the fact that it generally takes him 3-5 working days to construct an intelligible and coherent sentence.

US SUPERMARKET MISLEADS PORN SEEKING YOUNGSTERS

US supermarket Harps Food Stores has caused upset amongst young customers by placing a 'family shield' over the cover of trite shit-rag US Weekly magazine. Many disappointed youngsters have claimed that they were deceived into thinking the shield was employed to censor pornography, when its actual purpose was to conceal a photograph of serial douche bag Elton John.

    
Alan Waits, aged 7, was amongst hundreds who expressed their chagrin.

  
“When I saw the shield I came to the only logical assumption that it must be in place to conceal skin mags. I got my friend Dave to give me a leg up so I could get a better look. I'd heard rumours about a magazine publishing stolen photographs of a naked Natalie Portman performing enthusiastic cunnilingus on an equally naked Eva Mendes, and thought this might have been it. I can't begin to describe my outrage when I discovered that it was just a couple of queers and a fucking baby.”

The cover of the magazine shows Elton, grimacing like a man who's just regained consciousness in the middle of being surgically castrated, along with husband David Furnish and their retardedly named newborn, Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John.

Despite the abundance of evidence asserting that trying to censor homosexuality from children is both futile and moronic, an employee of Harps has claimed they were motivated to do so after receiving complaints from several of their customers. Amanda Richards, a homophobic half-wit from the darkest depths of the bible-belt, was one such customer.

“They were absolutely right to censor. The youth of today are so easily influenced. My youngest, Timmy, who's only four, once saw a homosexual couple kissing in the park. Later that very same day I found him illegally downloading the entire back catalogue of the Pet Shop Boys and ordering the Will and Grace box set from Amazon whilst sodomising himself with my Rampant Rabbit and repeatedly screaming my husband's name.”

Opinion on the censorship remains divided. Those supporting the supermarket's decision claim that Elton and David's son is a victim, and have declared that by studying the photograph people will see that the baby is “clearly distraught and is desperately struggling to escape the confines of this homosexual Gulag of which he is now a prisoner.” Those with working brains have recognised that the baby is just sleeping. Their views on sexuality aside, the majority of people have united in the shared opinion that Elton John is a ball-achingly annoying diva more irritating than a twitching sphincter following a night at the local curry house.

 Editor for US Weekly, Michael Steele, expressed his shock that the magazine had been concealed, yet admitted to some censorship on his own part.

“The headline 'I am Elton, and I have come to corrupt and molest your children!' was never really going to be practical.”