US supermarket Harps Food Stores has caused upset amongst young customers by placing a 'family shield' over the cover of trite shit-rag US Weekly magazine. Many disappointed youngsters have claimed that they were deceived into thinking the shield was employed to censor pornography, when its actual purpose was to conceal a photograph of serial douche bag Elton John.
Alan Waits, aged 7, was amongst hundreds who expressed their chagrin.
“When I saw the shield I came to the only logical assumption that it must be in place to conceal skin mags. I got my friend Dave to give me a leg up so I could get a better look. I'd heard rumours about a magazine publishing stolen photographs of a naked Natalie Portman performing enthusiastic cunnilingus on an equally naked Eva Mendes, and thought this might have been it. I can't begin to describe my outrage when I discovered that it was just a couple of queers and a fucking baby.”
The cover of the magazine shows Elton, grimacing like a man who's just regained consciousness in the middle of being surgically castrated, along with husband David Furnish and their retardedly named newborn, Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John.
Despite the abundance of evidence asserting that trying to censor homosexuality from children is both futile and moronic, an employee of Harps has claimed they were motivated to do so after receiving complaints from several of their customers. Amanda Richards, a homophobic half-wit from the darkest depths of the bible-belt, was one such customer.
“They were absolutely right to censor. The youth of today are so easily influenced. My youngest, Timmy, who's only four, once saw a homosexual couple kissing in the park. Later that very same day I found him illegally downloading the entire back catalogue of the Pet Shop Boys and ordering the Will and Grace box set from Amazon whilst sodomising himself with my Rampant Rabbit and repeatedly screaming my husband's name.”
Opinion on the censorship remains divided. Those supporting the supermarket's decision claim that Elton and David's son is a victim, and have declared that by studying the photograph people will see that the baby is “clearly distraught and is desperately struggling to escape the confines of this homosexual Gulag of which he is now a prisoner.” Those with working brains have recognised that the baby is just sleeping. Their views on sexuality aside, the majority of people have united in the shared opinion that Elton John is a ball-achingly annoying diva more irritating than a twitching sphincter following a night at the local curry house.
Editor for US Weekly, Michael Steele, expressed his shock that the magazine had been concealed, yet admitted to some censorship on his own part.
“The headline 'I am Elton, and I have come to corrupt and molest your children!' was never really going to be practical.”
