JUSTIN BEIBER CONDONES RAPE

In a recent interview with Rolling Stone magazine, douche-pop sensation Justin Bieber, 16, commented that “everything happens for a reason”, in reference to the predominantly frowned-upon act of rape.

This is not the first time the singer has caused controversy. In an interview last year with Fundamentalist Christian magazine Fossils Shmossils, Bieber was candid in his opposition of stem cell research, insisting that aborted foetuses should only be used in low budget puppet shows, and not as a potential treatment for Chron's or Parkinson's disease.

“It's all in the Bible,” claimed Bieber. “You just have to read between the lines, and kind of ignore some of the other stuff that's in there, too.” 

 

Psychologists have theorised that the lyrics “Baby, baby, baby, oooh!” may contain a deeper, more sinister meaning.

While backlash to his comments has been swift and prominent, Bieber has received some equivocal support from Dr Harold Glans.

“Speaking from a strictly technical standpoint, Bieber is correct. According to the theory of cause and effect, everything does happen for a specific reason. The reason for rape is, by and large, the existence of rapists.”

Asked if he supports Bieber's ideologies, Glans said:

“For me personally, it presents an interesting dichotomy. Primarily, I consider Justin Bieber to be a worthless turd. But on the other hand, I do quite like raping people. So it is nice to see a celebrity of such renowned fame lending their support.”

Bieber has expressed his intention to collaborate with other famous people who have been known to excuse unforgivable acts. His next record, a concept album tentatively titled Why The Gays Are Destined For Hell, is set to be produced by the Pope. 

Taking a break from protecting the paedophiles of the world, Dark Lord Benedict XVI now has his sights set on the music industry.

The Pope said he was excited to work with Bieber, and spoke of his relaxed attitude to the recording process.

“If Bieber or anyone else involved in the making of this album just so happens to molest any choir boys during production, well, that would be just fine with me.”

TV AS SHIT NOW AS IT'S EVER BEEN, INSIST EXECS.

Amidst complaints that television has become too highbrow, broadcasting executives remain rigid in their assertions that their schedules are as cock-droopingly banal as they've ever been.

Doug Perineum, a Daily Star reader from Leicester, claims to be one of thousands who are tuning out.

“If it hasn't got at least four pairs of tits per minute, or a bunch of upper-middle class hipster kids taking drugs and then inexplicably raping each other, I'm not interested.”

When asked who he believes is responsible for the supposed increase of high culture in the media, Mr Perineum responded:

“Immigrants, I would imagine.”

Despite the increasing number of people claiming to have lost interest, Chief Executive of Channel 4, David Abrahams, urges people to have faith.

“We know our audience. We understand that if you watch our channel then you must be either a coma victim, or some kind of root vegetable. Our programming schedule is specifically tailored to fit such an asinine demographic.”

When asked how the channel intended to recapture the public's waning interest, Abrahams was quick to respond.

“Our spring line up boasts an overwhelming smorgasbord of tedious eye-cancer. Our latest production, for example, tentatively titled 'Big Fat Racist Weddings', features young black women getting unwittingly hitched to Klan members. We're also developing a new game show in which contestants have to identify their Grandmother's vagina from a line-up.”

 Channel 4's audience is composed chiefly of under-nourished potatoes.

The BBC are looking at a rather different strategy, according to Director-General Mark Thompson.

“Rather than waste time developing new concepts, we have decided to instead 'dumb down' our existing programmes. QI, for instance, has received an overwhelming number of complaints from viewers who consider Stephen Fry's intelligence and eloquence to be alienating and confusing. Therefore, starting with the new series, the quiz will instead be hosted by a dead manatee.”

 Rufus the dead manatee is expected to hold the position until decomposition sets in, at which point he will be made into a delicious soup. 

The decision has also been made to replace regular panellist Alan Davies with a small bag of lentils. Guests set to appear on the new series include Jim Davidson's left testicle, a Muller's Crunch Corner yoghurt, and Dean Gaffney.

ITV, however, have refused to acknowledge the complaints. A spokesperson said:

“Claims that we are not showing shit are unfathomable. For fuck's sake, we've got Piers fucking Morgan judging a bloody talent contest. This is a man whose only discernible talent is his ability to fill an Olympic sized swimming pool with sweat from his infeasibly fat, ugly face. He really has no business being on television.”

“Or in being alive, for that matter.”