SHOCK AMONGST EDL AS LIBYA AND PAKISTAN REVEALED TO BE DIFFERENT COUNTRIES

The English Defence League was in disarray last night after discovering that Libya and Pakistan are not actually the same place.

The revelation was ascertained by leader of the political party, Stephen Yaxley-Lennon, who goes under the pseudonym Tommy Robinson on the grounds that Yaxley-Lennon sounds; 

        

        a) very middle class, and 

        b) a little bit foreign.

Yaxley-Lennon/Robinson/Goebbles commented:

“I was at home, watching television with my family. There was these cheeky brown fellows on the news causing a great deal of havoc in a dusty little place called Benghazi. I said, 'Someone ought to kick those mischievous Pakis into touch'.”

“My good wife then proceeded to inform me that these were not Pakis, but rather 'Libyans'.”

 "Some of the Libyans were this tall." 

“At this point I was prompted to pick up what normal people refer to as a 'book'. As a result of reading said 'book', I learned that brown people exist as part of many different races, and that they are indigenous to several 'continents'.”

“Well, I felt like a right plum. The EDL has built itself on a foundation of belief that every non-white person is of the same race. It's a form of categorisation we affectionately refer to as the 'Paki Umbrella'. One of our members, Stanley Fuckbucket, who's got a B-Tech in graphic design, even made a diagram explaining it. And now I just find myself thinking, 'What was it all for?'”

 Literally seconds wasted.

This comes as yet another crippling blow to the organisation, after it was disclosed last month that the suffix 'stan' is the ancient Persian word for 'place of', rather than being a synonym for 'get the fack outta my country you fackin' slaaaag.'

And in 2009, the EDL lost almost a quarter of it's members following the news that the Sieg Heil salute had been adopted as a semi-ironic dance move by the gay community.

In a bid to come to terms with the news, Yaxley-Lennon has vowed to purge himself of all his silly, racist ideologies by taking a nice long bath containing generous lashings of Cillit Bang.

  “Proven to rehabilitate even the grimiest racist,” shouts Barry Scott. 

Meanwhile another seminal moron, known amongst peers as Nick Griffin, was quick to disparage the EDL's findings.

“Libya? Heh! I'll believe that the day blacks and women can vote!”

“Pardon me? Oh, fucking hell...”

 

YOKO TO AUCTION OFF 'LENNON FART CUSHION'

Yoko Ono plans to once again milk the weary Lennon cash cow by auctioning off a silk cushion that late husband John may or may not have accidentally farted on, it has been revealed.

Not yet recognised as a genuine breed of cow.

 

The cushion, who has declined to comment, is rumoured to have been sat on either once or never by the former Beatle some time in the late seventies.

Doubt over the legitimacy of what has been dubbed 'The Fart-Cushion' has risen, with Ono herself bringing it into question.

“Whilst I do seem to recall John farting on this cushion, it has to be said that I was on a copious amount of mind-altering drugs for pretty much that whole decade. So I could have just as easily been looking at something else. Like a stapler, or a yummy biscuit.”

Other Lennon artefacts to be auctioned include a sandwich he briefly considered eating and an oil painting by Ono that he once looked at, presumably before remarking “That's a bit shit, love. Even by your standards.”

May contain traces of faecal matter.

David Piles, a dairy farmer from rural Cornwall, took a break from copulating with family members to issue the following statement.

“The over-milking of a cow is a risky endeavour. Too much stimulation of the teat can cause discomfort to the cow as well as sub-par tasting milk.”

“Sorry, what's that? Oh, a metaphorical cow, you say? I do apologise. 'Ere, hang about, I think I can hear my sister calling.”