In a recent interview with Rolling Stone magazine, douche-pop sensation Justin Bieber, 16, commented that “everything happens for a reason”, in reference to the predominantly frowned-upon act of rape.
This is not the first time the singer has caused controversy. In an interview last year with Fundamentalist Christian magazine Fossils Shmossils, Bieber was candid in his opposition of stem cell research, insisting that aborted foetuses should only be used in low budget puppet shows, and not as a potential treatment for Chron's or Parkinson's disease.
“It's all in the Bible,” claimed Bieber. “You just have to read between the lines, and kind of ignore some of the other stuff that's in there, too.”
Psychologists have theorised that the lyrics “Baby, baby, baby, oooh!” may contain a deeper, more sinister meaning.
While backlash to his comments has been swift and prominent, Bieber has received some equivocal support from Dr Harold Glans.
“Speaking from a strictly technical standpoint, Bieber is correct. According to the theory of cause and effect, everything does happen for a specific reason. The reason for rape is, by and large, the existence of rapists.”
Asked if he supports Bieber's ideologies, Glans said:
“For me personally, it presents an interesting dichotomy. Primarily, I consider Justin Bieber to be a worthless turd. But on the other hand, I do quite like raping people. So it is nice to see a celebrity of such renowned fame lending their support.”
Bieber has expressed his intention to collaborate with other famous people who have been known to excuse unforgivable acts. His next record, a concept album tentatively titled Why The Gays Are Destined For Hell, is set to be produced by the Pope.
Taking a break from protecting the paedophiles of the world, Dark Lord Benedict XVI now has his sights set on the music industry.
The Pope said he was excited to work with Bieber, and spoke of his relaxed attitude to the recording process.
“If Bieber or anyone else involved in the making of this album just so happens to molest any choir boys during production, well, that would be just fine with me.”
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